NOT YOUR PARENTS’ COUPLES THERAPY

At HRI, we are on the cutting edge of couples therapy in Houston, Texas.  We don’t just nod our heads and murmur, hmmm.  We challenge, coach, listen, teach, laugh and dig deep to help you reach your goals.  Yes, we are goal oriented!   If you want to finally try a couples therapist who can help you make real change, real progress, then you are in the right place.

What types of couples issues do you work with?

>LONLINESS and feeling like your marriage is simply roommates or just co-parenting with no emotional connection

>DISCERNMENT: Trying to decide if you should stay in a mediocre marriage, move on or give serious couples therapy a shot

>GRAY DIVORCE exploration and deciding whether to stay together after the kids are gone or part ways as friends to pursue your different visions of the future

>PERPETUAL CONLICT in areas you would like to resolve once and for all

>RESENTMENT that seems insurmountable (it’s not)

>AFFAIR RECOVERY and deciding whether you want to stay and work on it or leave

>AFFAIR TRAUMA THERAPY for the betrayed partner who is having trauma symptoms such as hypervigilance, intense crying spells, rage spells, new feelings of low self-worth

>PAST HURTS that you just can’t seem to recover from

>PRE-MARITAL assessment followed by strategies to shore up areas that are already showing up or may escalate after marriage

>DISCONNECTION AFTER KIDS when resentments begin to grow over who does what, score-keeping and feeling like your contributions aren’t appreciated

>SECOND MARRIAGES and blending families to proactively determine what hurdles you may face

>SEX THERAPYfor couples in sexless marriages, with mismatched desires and libido or those who just want to get some passion back

>UNCOUPLING support for couples who want to amicably divorce and put everyone’s emotional safety first

>DIVORCE coaching for individuals navigating a painful divorce

>CO-PARENTING CONFLICT that leads to fights, resentment and the loss of loving feelings for your partner

>EXTENDED FAMILY members who have too much influence in your marriage leading to conflict and resentment

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What is your approach to working with couples?Show More

In our practice, we use a variety of techniques and approaches depending on what works best for each couple or situation—there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. A skilled couples therapist needs a range of tools in their toolbox because every relationship is unique.

Our approach is grounded in the landmark studies by John and Julie Gottman, which identified the specific habits that set successful relationships apart from those headed for trouble. Behavioral scientists were able to pinpoint habits that clearly predicted whether people would be satisfied or dissatisfied in their relationships. They found that couples who shared these key habits almost always felt closer, more connected and more fulfilled, while couples lacking them often faced resentment, affairs and eventually, divorce.

The findings from these studies challenged a lot of long-standing ideas about what makes relationships work. We now have solid evidence on what really works. We know which habits create connection and which undermine it.  We can even predict how you will most likely sabotage your own relationship and can reveal these blind spots to you!

We also incorporate insights from neuroscience, which shows how we can actually rewire our brains to be more adaptable. This helps us to develop and reinforce these positive habits, making it easier to build the kind of relationship you want.

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Couples who work with us learn:Show More

1. How to react when your partner does things that upset you to eliminate defensiveness and increase the chances that your partner will respond in a positive way.
2.  The most common mistakes that people make in relationships, why people make them and how you can avoid them.
3.  How your behavioral habits may actually be causing your partner’s bad habits to become more extreme over time.
4.  The habits that are characteristic of partners who form great friendships with one another.
5.  How to have conversations that promote healing from past hurts caused by one another.
6.  How to develop and sustain new habits as you navigate day-to-day frustrations that arise in your relationship. How to build upon the growing sense of respect and goodwill emerging from the gains you make in communication.
7.  How to sustain the positive emotional connection between you and your partner, post-therapy.
This model for working with couples was developed by Dr. Brent Atkinson of the Couples Clinic and Research Institute near Chicago. Purchase his excellent manual for couples.

We tried marriage counseling before and it didn’t help.Show More

There are several reasons why prior attempts at counseling may have been unsuccessful.  Sometimes one or both partners is not motivated.  They may show up to sessions but not be invested in doing the necessary work for change.  You may also have seen a general therapist that wasn’t trained in intensive couples work.  When interviewing a therapist, make sure they have extensive training and experience specifically in working with couples.  This is not something you can assume to be true.  And finally, it may have been a bad fit.  “Goodness of fit” is an essential part of successful outcomes in therapy.  If the relationship between the therapist and couple doesn’t feel right, continue interviewing until you find the perfect fit for your situation.

My partner would never agree to come to marriage counseling.  Can I improve the relationship if I come by myself?

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Absolutely, positively, yes.  We frequently meet with partners individually to teach and practice new skills that will help them get what they want out of their relationship.  Relationships are a closed, self-feeding loop.  How you ask for what you need will determine how your partner responds.  It turns out that getting your needs met requires a specific set of skills. Studies show that you can learn more effective ways of communicating that will increase the odds that your partner will respond to you in the way you want.  When your behavior changes, your partner’s reaction will change and this sets off a chain reaction.  Even if you are the only one learning new skills, you can still have a major positive impact on your relationship.

We have normal problems but nothing crisis level.  Do we still need marriage counseling?

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Marital health is no different than any other health concern.  Have you ever said to someone, “It’s a good thing you caught it early” when they got news about a health problem?  The earlier you diagnose the problem and start treatment, the better the outcomes.  The biggest mistake couples make is not coming in at the first signs of marital distress.  “Hoping” things will get better on their own is a terrible strategy when it comes to something as important as your marriage.

I feel pretty hopeless that this marriage can be saved.  I don’t think I even want marriage counseling.

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Marriage counseling is not always about saving marriages.  Sometimes they can’t be or shouldn’t be saved.  Marriage counseling provides the perfect place to sort through your feelings of ambivalence and decide if you even want to work hard at reconciliation.  If you decide you want to give it one more shot, a marriage therapist can help you see chronic patterns that are working against you and can teach you ways to reconnect.  If you decide you want to separate or divorce, a marriage therapist can help you and your partner deal with the many emotions that come with this, such as grief, anger, confusion and denial.  Having an expert guide you through the “uncoupling” process can prevent some of the intense pain that divorce brings with it.

I need help with my relationship issues but don’t want to bring my partner.  I want counseling just for me.

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Ok, come on.  We will focus on your goals.  Is the goal to sort through the chaos in your head?  Is the goal to have a very difficult conversation with your partner?  Is the goal to get out of the relationship?  Is the goal to bring your partner into therapy eventually?  Individual therapy is always a confidential place to explore your thoughts and feelings with a trained listener who specializes in relationships.

Do you have a burning question not answered above?  Just ask!  Fill out the form below and wait for a response.  And remember, there are no dumb questions.

Read our blog posts on infidelity, second marriages or clueless hubbies.