Dear Overwhelmed Parent,
Guest blogger: Tyler Hodges
Do you ever look at your teen and wonder, how did we get here? What did I do wrong? When did this become so difficult? When did they stop coming to me? Maybe you are even wondering if you have somehow failed as a parent. Or maybe, you feel like it’s all just too much and surrender to the ever-growing demands of your teen because it’s easier.
Being a parent today is difficult; especially considering the fast-changing world around us. From surviving a pandemic to the obsession with their phone, the truth is that depression and anxiety in teens is at an all-time high. Family therapy can create a space for all of you to explore what’s actually happening within your family system with the help of a skilled facilitator. Sometimes, we are too close to the situation to see that a teen actually does care and isn’t deliberately trying to hurt us and those around them. Your teen probably doesn’t know the impact they’re having on you or the family. I’ve come to find that they often feel as though they don’t matter! They can also be stuck in a cycle of trying so hard to do something differently yet can’t manage to change or stop.
So how do you, as a parent, manage when your child seems determined to work against their own self-interest in spite of all of the pleading, yelling and fighting? You may have heard the expression, put your oxygen mask on first. There is a reason flight attendants say to help yourself before helping others. This apt analogy applies to parenting. Taking time to focus on your own needs may give you the breath of air that you have needed for so long. You may even discover that you have been unconsciously placing responsibility on your teen for your own emotional well-being. Children feed off of and react to a parent’s emotional state.
Next, I recommend that you focus on validation and empathy. This is where I find that both parents and teens struggle the most. Parents commonly don’t want to be kind and empathetic to someone they view as hurtful, rude, or downright obstinate. However, empathy and validation are key components to changing this dynamic. As much as they push, fight, isolate, and shut down, teens are really looking for you to understand them in a way that bridges the gap between their emotions, needs, wants and your own. Validation can be as simple as listening to your teen without interrupting, and even reframing it back to show that you understand. It can be as simple as saying “I can understand how difficult that is.” Putting yourself on an equal footing with your teen is a huge step, even if it feels unnecessary or like you are pandering. It isn’t, it’s connecting to your child.
Being a parent is one of the most difficult jobs we can have, but it can be one of the most rewarding. It’s okay to be confused and overwhelmed. I can’t imagine that there’s a parent who has it all figured out. If things are too much or you feel you lack the tools, please consider seeking professional help. Parenting takes a village. Seeking out a professional to help you sort through this challenging time isn’t only rewarding, but necessary in some circumstances. We are here to help
Tyler Hodges, MA, LMFT
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