As I watched the owner of our beloved Houston Astros issue a public apology last Thursday, I found myself cringing and scolding him through my television.  Had no one coached him on how to properly express remorse?  Or was this another case where attorneys pressure their client to accept zero responsibility?  

When the news of the sign stealing scandal broke, my heart sunk.  Our home team had been such a source of joy and inspiration for so many Houstonians after the horrors of Hurricane Harvey.

It appears that the superheroes we adored were just human after all. 

I thought about the many couples I had helped navigate through a partner’s cheating.  The shock of the discovery, the crushing betrayal and the possibly irreparable damage to trust came to my mind when thinking about how the all-to-human desire to win at all costs had led our team to betray their own values, the league, the game and their fans.

When I work with married cheaters, my mindset from the beginning is that humans are flawed, and mistakes can easily be made thanks to the mind’s powerful ability to rationalize.  I don’t judge, I just seek to understand.  Once I get to know the cheater as a person, I am always able to understand how it was they came to betray themselves, their loved ones and eventually blow up their life.  The ego is powerful and the human need to feel adored is a formidable urge to inhibit.

When I help couples recover from cheating in their own marriage, I encourage them to first look at the complex factors at work in the human psyche.  We are all capable of betraying our own values under the right circumstances. 

At the root of healing, is an authentic apology that is derived from extensive soul searching.  This was clearly missing from the brief, scripted apologies I listened to through news conferences. 

I would like to offer my humble guidance on the type of apology that leads to real healing and respect from those we let down.  Our city needs to see our superheroes be regular humans, just like us.  I am certain that Houston and the world will hold them in even higher esteem if they are able to communicate sincere remorse.  

Step 1.  Take full responsibility.  It sounds like this.  “We broke the rules.  We take full responsibility.”  It is tempting to add excuses to minimize responsibility.  “Everyone is doing it” doesn’t excuse bad behavior.

Step 2.  Show that you “Get It”.  “We know that our fans are heartsick and confused.  So many people look up to us and what we modeled for you was cheating is excusable when the stakes are high.  I get how furious, sad and demoralized baseball fans must feel.  We get it.

Step 3.  Express remorse and regret.  It sounds like this.  “We hate that we let everyone down.  We would give anything to be able to undo the damage and pain we have caused to so many.

Step 4.  State your specific plan to minimize the chances it will happen again.  It sounds like this.  “You have our word that nothing like this will ever occur in the Astros organization again.  This is a solemn pledge to take every step necessary to regain your trust and restore our integrity”.

Step 5.  Offer to “make it up to” those you hurt.  This one is easy.  “How can I make it up to you?”  Offering restitution is a key part of apologizing.

Step 6.  Ask for forgiveness.  “Will you forgive us?”  If others aren’t quite ready to forgive, that’s okay.  Sometimes we confuse forgiveness for letting someone off the hook and this may cause hesitation.  Give others plenty of time and space to come around.  Promise you will not lose sight of the fact that forgiveness is earned.  Just like a World Series.

Gina Watson is the Clinical Director of the Houston Relationship Institute and a licensed relationship therapist.