I know you are angry. Resentful. Frustrated. Or maybe just living with quiet desperation. But because I see so many of you in the safety of my office I also know how hurt and vulnerable you are.
You’re thinking that when your wife does not respond favorably to your advances, that she is rejecting you. I know that secretly you fear that you aren’t good enough or desirable. Your self-esteem gets bruised every time it happens. To make matters worse, she might even roll her eyes or use sarcasm, like, “it ain’t your birthday!” or “you have a one-track mind!” which stings at the very least and can be crushing at it’s worst. This hurt quickly morphs into resentment and you stop initiating out of fear of rejection. You just can’t risk it. So you wait to see if your wife will eventually initiate and you start counting the days until she does. She has no idea she is being tested and will most likely fail this test, creating even more resentment and self-doubt. You try to talk to her about it and she complains about you not being affectionate until you want to have sex. You can see some truth in that so you vow to become more affectionate. The problem is, the pattern has already been set. Now when you offer a hug or back rub she tenses. Her first response is feeling pressured. Or worse, dread. These are a long way from desire. You are stuck in a trap where she has been conditioned to feel pressure and nothing you say or do seems to change that. Trust me when I say, she wants to want to. But the desire isn’t there and pressure kills libido.
Here’s what you need to understand about women. Without desire, it feels to her like you just asked her to go into the kitchen and prepare an elaborate 4-course meal for you. All for you. This registers as work. She doesn’t desire more work. So this feels like a selfish request. But she is not rejecting you, she is rejecting the work. When desire is present, it no longer feels like work, it sounds like fun! Think of desire on a continuum with zero being no desire at all and 10 being climax. When you started dropping hints, you were probably already around a level 5. You’ve been thinking, imagining, and anticipating for some time. She is completely unaware of this and is at a level zero. Getting from a zero to a five – just to catch up – is not that easy! So she starts out at a disadvantage. You have essentially set her up to fail. The days of spontaneous sex where you are both ready to go all the time are long gone. Get over it. You have to learn to cultivate desire. Marriage Therapist and Researcher, Esther Perel, gave a fascinating TED talk called, “The Secret to Desire in a Long-term Relationship”. She outlines the ingredients that are necessary for desire and many of them run counter to our common perception of marriage. Desire requires imagination, novelty and anticipation. But marriage tends to be routine, predictable and unexciting. Perel accurately points out that “sex is not something you do, it’s a place you go to”. This speaks to the crucial role of imagination in the creation of desire. If sex is premeditated, that allows time for the mind to imagine and anticipate and removes the toxic ingredient of pressure. According to Perel, the key ingredients for cultivating desire are imagination, novelty, risk, mischief, mystery, adventure, surprise, anticipation, playfulness. And the buzzkill? Predictability, responsibility, pressure or resentment.
Here are three things you can try immediately. Gently explain to your wife that the rejection really stings. That feeling “wanted” means the world to you and makes you feel closer to her. Invite your wife on a “playdate” that incorporates a few of the key ingredients above. Ask your wife what she sees as obstacles to desire and work on those. These may include stress, fatigue, anxiety, body image or boredom with your routine, predictable sex life. She may have loved cereal for breakfast every day for the first year you were together, but if she has cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner every meal for the rest of your marriage she’s going to get bored with it. She needs a menu with lots of tasty options that appeal not just to you, but to her.
And as always, if problems persist in your marriage, do not put off seeking professional help. Do not make the mistake of neglecting this important part of your bond.
Comments
pb
August 11, 2016You get A+ and an Amen on this, Gina. Funniest thing ever is when I try something new and I think she is going to like it and she tells me, “This is not doing it for me”, which she says in a tone that asks me,” Where in hell did you come up with this?” I go to story/ action plan B (and believe me I have learned to have a plan B), trying not to feel ridiculous and to keep both of us from losing the moment. Sometimes we lose the moment and start laughing. Sometimes we don’t get back to sex. Everything becomes funny. That can be sexy. It is all delicious. Suggestion for men: Tell your woman she is “off” for the night and you are “on.” You do all the work. Let her read a nasty essay you got from the book store or some crap while you go to work on her, so to speak. There is no pressure for her to do a thing but enjoy herself. She gets to tell you what she wants and you do it, even if it doesn’t include penetration. Expect nothing in return. In the end, she will probably want penetration. If she doesn’t, don’t worry about it. Let her be selfish. She will eventually want you, but for now you are reinforcing or training her to be open and responsive to pressure-free pleasure. You will probably be rewarded for your investment and patience. Warning: You could be creating a sexual monster. Hopefully she will eat you alive.
Gina Watson, LMFT
August 16, 2016Yes, yes, yes! Excellent advice PB!
Drew
January 20, 2018This blog seems to put the onus of responsibility for cultivating a good sex life solidly on the husband in the relationship.
Regular physical affection and sexual contact is a legitimate need and a perfectly acceptable expectation in a relationship. Both partners should be working toward what they can do to make sure that this is a reality.
Ernest
January 20, 2018Since when did sex become the sole responsibility of the husband to generate? This is patriarchy disguised as advocacy for women. “Poor little wife with passive sexuality oppressed by demanding, mean husband with unhealthy sex drive.” As if women aren’t interested or capable of creating a healthy sex life.
No way.
Not one young woman wants to think that this is her fate. Not one sexually expressive woman gets married thinking that sex is going to go away. Sexual dysfunction in marriage is an epidemic. We need to address this in a way more subtle and mutually empowering way then to tell men to “get over it”. They are standing for something both members of the couple wanted at the beginning and they should be celebrated for doing so. Men should, in the same breath, also take full responsibility for their experience and be open to engaging and responding to the sexuality of their partners in a supportive way. But to expect them to do this heavy-lifting on their own is not the way to happiness.
LWMUIRURI
November 21, 2019What an insightful piece for men in long-term relationships! Just one thing; I think women, too, should involve themselves actively as opposed to waiting for their men to initiate and solve everything. I personally have a problem with this, cos I’m going through it right now as my wife is on auto-pilot. She says ‘I stopped being romantic and dynamic’, I tell her ‘she stopped being responsive’. It’s a circus. But maybe we will get over it. Just maybe. How that will happen is what I don’t know.
John Hebert
October 12, 2020Hello, I don’t want to sound off but I am because I think it needs to said. It seems the more I read the more I find everything is the man’s fault. Does not matter what it is it’s the man’s fault. I have read several books and many articles on relationships and lack of sex in a marriage. The over all majority blame the husband. In one book, it listed 100 things to do to make your wife happy and there by willing to have sex. Well, when out of the 100, about 10 I could not do because they did not apply (parents passed away, no sister, brothers have no kids, brothers live in other states, no has no contact with her) that left three I was not doing. I even did those three for a period of time jus5 to see if would came a difference. My conclusion was it would be simpler to be alone, I would not have to work as hard just to be ignored.
I thing the problem is not husbands but wives.
Gina Watson, LMFT
October 16, 2020Nothing wrong with sounding off! I re-read this post which was written to be sympathetic to men. No where does it imply that “everything is the man’s fault” but I know that men frequently feel that way – and wives make them feel that way. There is no blame here because there is no crime, just two people trying to be happily married. The trouble is that men and women are wired so differently, sexually, that we are almost set up to fail. Desire doesn’t change over time for men (too much), but it does for women. Any good sex therapist will tell you this. Sex is a team sport and it takes commitment, open heartedness and patience from both parties. The responses I see from yourself and some above is that men frequently feel blamed and women never get held accountable. Maybe that’s true. But not in my office. There is no place for blame when neither party has been given the tools necessary to build a happy marriage. If you’re in Texas, we can help. If not, find a sympathetic marital sex therapist, take your wife and get educated. -Gina Watson