7 Types of Defensiveness in Relationships (and What to Do Instead)

By Gina Watson, LMFT-S

What is defensiveness in a relationship, and why is it important? First off, it’s in the top four behaviors that are predictors of divorce.  That alone should grab your attention.  A defensive reaction makes your partner feel invalidated, unseen, and alone (not to mention super frustrated). When someone is being defensive, it becomes nearly impossible for connection, repair or resolution to happen—because you’ve gone from being team mates to being opponents.

Defensiveness is not inherently bad. It’s an automatic and very human response to the perception of being attacked or wrongfully accused. In fact, it’s often a sign that your partner feels deeply misunderstood or is trying to protect themselves from shame, guilt, or emotional pain.

Still, it can derail communication quickly—especially when we don’t recognize the different ways it shows up.

Here are 7 common types of defensiveness in relationships that I see regularly in couples therapy:

1. SRS – Setting the Record Straight

You jump in to correct the facts—“That’s not what happened!” or “You’re remembering that wrong.”
While the intention may be to clear up a misunderstanding, it skips right past your partner’s emotional pain. They’re not asking for a transcript—they’re telling you how it felt and hoping for a caring response.

2. Explaining – Trying to Be Logical or Calm

You try to rationalize or defend your behavior in a calm, intellectual way.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just trying to…”
This often feels dismissive to the person who’s hurting, even if your tone is composed. Logic can feel tone deaf when someone is seeking empathy.

3. Aggression – Going on the Offense

You aggressively deflect by pointing out your partner’s wrongdoings.
“Well, you’ve done the same thing—or worse!”
It’s a counterattack disguised as standing up for yourself. But really, it slams the door shut on repair and turns a bid for understanding into a war.  This strategy also serves to intimidate and will often make a passive partner give up.

4. “But You…” – Redirecting Blame

Instead of staying with your partner’s pain, you pivot to your own grievances.
“Okay, but remember when you did X to me?”
This invalidates the feeling they’re trying to share and makes it about your pain instead.  This will land as selfish.

5. Going on the Attack – Accusing Your Partner of Criticism

You accuse your partner of being mean, judgmental, or unfair.
“You’re just trying to make me feel like the bad guy.”
This type of defensiveness is often rooted in shame. It creates a wall of protection but leaves your partner feeling like the enemy.

6. Dismissiveness – Minimizing Their Experience

You tell your partner they’re overreacting.
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.” or “You’re too sensitive.”
This is incredibly invalidating. Do not do this!  It tells your partner that not only are their feelings wrong, but they shouldn’t even exist.

7. Shutting Down – Stonewalling or Withdrawing

You emotionally close off, refuse to engage, or physically leave the room.
This might feel like self-preservation, but it leaves your partner feeling emotionally abandoned in the moment they needed connection most.  This sends one important message to your partner; “you don’t matter”.

So, What’s the Antidote?

The most unhelpful thing you can do is accuse your partner of being defensive or of not caring or not listening. That only deepens the divide.

Instead, try this:

“I can see you’re getting defensive, which means you must be feeling like I’m attacking you. Let’s slow this down for a minute. I don’t want you to feel attacked or criticized. I know my experience is based on perception—it’s my reality. I’m not saying any of this would be true from your point of view, and I’m certainly open to hearing that. But what I need from you right now is caring and an acknowledgment that I’m hurting, regardless of whose fault it is. What would feel wonderful is for you to just listen, acknowledge that what I’m feeling is clearly painful, and offer to be a friend in that moment.”

There will be plenty of time to explain and to set the record straight later, when the stakes are lower and neither of you are triggered.

When you learn to pause and create space for emotional attunement instead of defensiveness, you protect the emotional glue that holds your relationship together. It’s an “us” conversation instead of “me vs you”.  It’s instinctual to act from a place of self-preservation – have grace for one another here – but you must practice us-preservation if you hope to stay married.

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