SHOULD I STAY OR LEAVE?

As a couples therapist, I often work with partners who are committed to doing the work of repairing and deepening their relationship. But sometimes, I meet couples who are not sure if they even want to stay together. One partner may feel completely done, while the other is desperate to save the marriage. Or both partners may feel emotionally exhausted and uncertain about what they want.

That’s where discernment counseling comes in. It’s a short-term, structured process designed specifically for couples on the brink of divorce or separation who are uncertain whether to try to rebuild the relationship—or move toward ending it.

What Is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment counseling is not couples therapy in the traditional sense. In fact, its goal isn’t to fix the relationship (at least not immediately), but rather to help both partners gain clarity and confidence about the best next step for their relationship.

It was designed by Dr. Bill Doherty for what he calls “mixed-agenda couples”—where one person is leaning out of the relationship and the other is leaning in. This dynamic makes traditional couples therapy more challenging.  Successful outcomes in counseling required motivated partners.

Discernment counseling provides a safe and non-judgmental space to understand what has happened in the relationship, explore each person’s contributions to the problems and clarify the options moving forward – including doing nothing and hoping for different results.  Doing nothing is a choice.  Warning: this last option may eventually lead to an angry and bitter divorce.

Three Possible Outcomes

At the end of discernment counseling, couples typically choose one of three paths:

Status quo: No major changes or decisions—basically continuing to do what you’ve always done and hoping for the best.  (Not recommended as a long-term solution).

Separation or divorce: Choosing to end the relationship respectfully, with more mutual understanding and less blame.

A 6-month commitment to couples therapy: With both partners fully in, motivated and committed to working on the relationship 24/7.

Discernment counseling helps partners make a decision with integrity and better understanding, not out of fear, resentment, or pressure.

Steps of the Discernment Counseling Process

Discernment counseling usually takes 1 to 5 sessions, each lasting around 90 minutes. It’s meant to be brief and focused.

What to expect:

1. Joint Session – 

We begin together. I explain the structure, purpose, and rules of discernment counseling, including:

• This is not marriage counseling

• The goal is clarity and confidence about next steps

• No decisions need to be made in the first session

You each share your perspectives on what brings you in, and what you’re hoping for. I listen carefully to understand the issues that are keeping you stuck.

2. Individual Conversations

Next, I meet with each partner separately. This is a key part of the process. Each of you has your own space to explore your feelings, your history in the relationship, and how you’ve contributed to the current dynamics.

With the leaning-out partner, I help them explore their ambivalence, without pushing them to commit to staying. With the leaning-in partner, I support them in approaching the process with calm and self-reflection, rather than desperation or persuasion.

I also help both partners consider how they might grow personally—whether or not they stay in the marriage.

3. Sharing and Feedback

We come back together briefly. I facilitate a sharing of insights—not to convince or debate—but to gain clarity. This often reduces anxiety and helps both people feel more seen and respected – and ideally, less resentful.  I also share blind spots I see and ways that you may be unconsciously sabotaging the relationship without knowing it.  Ruptures in relationships are almost always a two-way street.

4. Repeat as Needed (up to 5 sessions)

Each session ends with a review of where things stand and whether another session would be useful. Couples usually make a decision within 1 to 5 sessions.

Who Is Discernment Counseling For?

This process is ideal for couples where:

• One person is considering divorce but is not 100% sure

• The other wants to try to save the relationship

• Both are willing to engage in honest reflection

It’s not appropriate when:

• There is active domestic violence

• One partner is already firmly decided to divorce and is not open to reflection

• There is no willingness to explore or communicate

Why It’s Important

Discernment counseling isn’t about fixing the relationship or assigning blame. It’s about slowing down the decision-making process and bringing intentionality, awareness, and compassion to a painful crossroads.

Whether you choose to stay together or part ways, discernment counseling helps you do so with more clarity, fewer regrets, and greater odds of divorcing amicably.

If you’re feeling stuck and unsure about the future of your relationship, this process can offer a real path forward from the nagging question, “Should I stay or go?