THE WOODPECKER AND THE TURTLE

Case Study: Annie and Tom

Annie is highly expressive and needs to talk through her feelings. As she shares disappointments, unmet expectations, and frustrations Tom feels nagged and beat up. He wonders, “why can’t she just accept me as I am?”
Tom is a sensitive man who has a pleasant but reserved demeanor. He’s not the type to insist his thoughts, feelings or opinions get heard. It’s easier and less confrontational to just keep them to himself. He avoids confrontation because it is unpleasant, and he’d just rather not rock the boat. It’s rarely worth the painful price he has to pay.
Tom started coming home later and later. He is not expressive and was raised in a family where suppressing negative feelings was encouraged. He was raised to “look on the bright side “and has a natural habit of letting negative events or feelings pass rather than exploring them. He has become increasingly withdrawn in the face of Annie’s need to express her feelings of frustration with his silence, withdrawing and seeming disinterest in her. The more she protests his behavior, the more withdrawn he becomes. He has learned that when he has tried to join the conversation that he is outmatched. She interrupts, blames and corrects so frequently that he gives up in frustration. He’s also learned that he will never win or get her to see his point of view unless he’s willing to endure an excruciating 3-hour discussion where he feels attacked through most of it.
Annie just sees his silence as uninterested or uncaring. She has no idea that she has actually reinforced his withdrawing and his silence.
Tom has no idea that his withdrawing and silence have reinforced her fear that she is not a priority to him, he doesn’t care about her and their relationship isn’t important. Feeling lonely, desperate and vulnerable she tries to explain these feelings to Tom. He only hears how he has failed her once again. He tells himself he cannot make her happy, so why bother. He’s given up.
Confirmation bias plays a large role in this couple dynamic as they form their own villain narratives in their minds. Whether Tom is purposely withdrawing or just lost in thought about a difficult work day, she tells herself that he is uninterested in connecting with her. Tom has no idea that behind her expressionless face she has just confirmed that he is incapable of vulnerability and connection. She thinks of his childhood and tells herself that he is just hard wired to be unfeeling and inauthentically optimistic.
He tells himself that she is just a negative person who will always be unhappy no matter what. So why try? It’s best to just stay busy with other things, fly under the radar and get his satisfaction and fulfillment from work and kids. Unknowingly and without telling her, he has emotionally divorced his wife.
Neither of them realizes that the methods they use to get their needs met actually function more like weapons that leaves their partner feeling defensive and hopeless. Furthermore, it makes it even less likely that the other will ever respond in the way that they desperately want. This is their dysfunctional pattern.
Like most couples, they were attracted to one another’s differences. Annie is an opinionated, funny, outspoken women with lots of charisma. She is completely down to earth and real which makes her easy to like. However, the flip side of this is her feelings and opinions are often communicated to Tom without the soft filter she uses with other people. Tom was drawn to her energy and how alive he felt when he was with her. As time passed, he began to see this delightful personality attribute as a character defect. He began to see himself as calm, rational and drama free. He told himself this was certainly superior to his overdramatic wife who had to catastrophize everything. This judgment opened the door for contempt in the marriage. He became more and more disgusted with her emotional outbursts and tuned her out when she began complaining. He shut down and just waited for her to be done.
Annie was attracted to how safe Tom felt. He wasn’t always seeking the attention of women like many men seemed to do. He was sweet and attentive. He could listen to her talk for hours and was happy just listening. She fascinated him. Reflected in his eyes, she felt good about herself, loved and valued. He never criticized her and wasn’t confrontational. She frequently got her way because he was so easygoing.
After 25 years of marriage, mountains of anecdotal evidence has been collected and stored in memory to support each of theirs hypothesis that the other simply has a character defect and isn’t capable of mature love. They blame each other’s family they grew up in and see it as more confirmation that the other is fatally flawed.
By the time they enter my office they feel very little affection for one another outside of their shared history. They can rarely spend time together before it turns toxic.
Annie’s behavior is what a Couples Therapist would call pursuing and protesting. These counterproductive behaviors directly lead to Tom’s shutting down and withdrawing from her, more counterproductive behaviors. This negative reciprocity keeps them each locked into this painful cycle. Annie’s anxious attachment style further exacerbated her protest behaviors and Tom’s avoidant attachment style makes it very natural for him to shut down.
I have seen more “Annie and Toms” than I can remember. This is the most common of all the dysfunctional patterns I see in couples therapy. The longer it goes on, the worse it becomes. Time does not heal this pattern.
With professional guidance, a good therapist can help a couple break this cycle and find their way back to caring for one another.